My Postpartum Body... Stretchmarks And All

I started this post a few days ago and I'll admit that it ended up on the bitter side of things.  I'm now 6 weeks postpartum and if I leave the house, it's almost certain that someone will ask me when I'm due.  With no baby in sight, I suppose that's to be expected.  Their question isn't what bothers me most of the time (though I'll admit it's getting a bit old).  What bothers me is the look on their faces after I say I already had the baby.  It's not a look of apology, or a look of understanding because they know the hardship my body has endured or the time it takes to recover.  I always expect them to say something like, "Oh!  That totally makes sense.  Congrats on having the baby!  You're looking great for only being a month past the birth."  Yep, a response like that would make me feel a lot better and good about myself and the progress I've made.  But no.  That's not the response I get.  Instead I get a look of surprise, shock, or sometimes even disgust.  They look back at my stomach and their eyes bug out.  I can see what they're thinking.  "Whoa!  And you still look like that?"  The first lady I got this response from actually said this out loud.  It wasn't quite the response I was expecting.

I've given birth 4 times now (three of my own and one surrogate baby).  Each time I gained 45 - 55 pounds, and only about 20 pounds of that comes off right after I give birth.  I've always gotten back down to pre-pregnancy weight, but it takes a bit of time.  A lot more time than 6 weeks.  Never the less, even though I know all of this in my head, my feelings were still hurt, and I've been feeling down.  I mourn my nice pre-pregnancy belly.  I miss it's smooth texture, muscles that meet in the middle, and a belly button ... that well ... looks like a belly button.  After the birth of my first daughter I could barely look at my new tummy in the mirror, let alone let my husband see it, and anyone else ... forget about it!  This wasn't what my friends looked like after childbirth.  They all eventually went back to "normal".  Maybe a stretch mark here and there, but nothing like the pounded meat flesh that I was left with.  I felt alone and cheated.  As the years passed and my other children were born, I got used to my new skin.  I don't feel the need to cover up in my own home and can be intimate with my husband without a shirt on, yet you still won't find me on the beach in a bikini.  No, I haven't gotten that comfortable yet.    

Then I saw a post from another woman who had felt the same way as me;  Someone who had the same post pregnancy belly look as me;  Someone who had decided to bare her skin to show others that yes, we're not alone.  There are many women that don't come out of pregnancy with perfect bellies, and nice smooth skin.  Just because we don't see them on TV, in magazines, on the beach, or within our peers, doesn't mean they aren't out there.  I believe they're all around, hiding for fear that they too are the only one.  Now I'm not saying that I don't miss my old body, or that I'm going to wear a bikini from now on.  I'm also not the type to say "I love my tiger stripes so hear me roar."  What I am saying is that I am proud of what my body has done and for the children it has given me, and the child it let me carry for a friend.  I am saying that I know I'm not alone, and you are not alone.  Today I bear my post pregnancy body to show that a mom comes in many different packages: skinny, curvy, smooth, stretched, tight, sagging, squishy, or firm... We are all NORMAL, and nobody should tell you otherwise.

My 6 week postpartum belly.  Still 15 pounds to lose so my skin still looks fairly filled out and smooth.  Maybe I should post an updated picture this winter to show my true updated look.

Stylish Labor & Delivery Hospital Gown... Check!!!

Dressed & Ready For The Big Birth Day!

Today I'm 38-1/2 weeks into our surrogacy journey.  Yep!  This baby will be here very soon.  I've never went a full 40 weeks with any of my children, and I don't expect to with this one either.  Yesterday we even had an OB appointment.  I'm already 4cm dilated and had my membranes swept.  Baby's mommy has been here a week getting everything ready, and daddy just arrived on a plane all the way from the UK.  My bags are packed (almost), and we're registered at the hospital.  We are so ready to go!!!! ... almost...

Ever since our doctor appointment yesterday I've been contracting on and off, and you know what was on my mind?  You would probably think excitement for the big day (yes, that was there).  You might think worry since the baby's daddy wouldn't be here for a few more hours (yep, I was thinking that too).  You might think disappointment since my doctor won't be on call till Friday (you'd be right again).  All those things were running through my head.  What was running through my head the most though?  You might laugh, but I was thinking "No!  Not yet.  I still have to go pick up my super cute hospital gown!!!!"  

Yep, this gown is birth ball approved!

It was a decision I had made just this week.  Sure, the regular hospital gowns are fine and dandy, but I've done that style 3 times now.  Back in February, this baby's mommy told me I should dress up for the occasion and wear whatever I want to.  Comfortable, glam, toned down, or dressed up... why not try something new?  I thought about it for months, but didn't really look for or purchase anything.  I even thought about sewing something for awhile, but being as busy as I am, that wasn't going to happen.  I even saw that another friend of mine had a pretty dress that she had made up just for the occasion.  Then this week I decided to check out what was available online.  I found a few sites, and then remembered that a local doula and her daughter also made maternity hospital gowns.  Bonus!  I love working with local businesses.  As soon as I checked out the Birth Day Suits website I knew I just had to have one!!!  So many to choose from though.  How would I ever choose in such a short amount of time?  Luckily the company is local, so I headed over there yesterday to try on a few and instantly fell in love with one the second I tried it on.  It was magic!

Nifty little snap down straps

I chose a beautiful black and white chevron dress in their Piper dress style.  It was no easy task though.  They have tons of fabric options and 8 gown styles that all look amazing!  I love how functional they are too.  For those that want something easy to get on and off, adjustable, plus easy access in case you need an epidural, the back crosses over and is secured with ties like a standard maternity gown.  For those that want to breastfeed, there are also snaps on the shoulder straps for easy access when breastfeeding.  I won't be breastfeeding, but I will be pumping in order to get all the benefits of breastfeeding.  And you can't ignore all the style that comes with this gown.  I love the pleated neckline, the pretty accent trim at the bottom, and the satin ribbon that you can tie just under your breasts.  That's my favorite part.  So much more flattering when you can accentuate the belly, although I hear some women tie the ribbon in their hair and leave the dress flowing.  

So now I'm officially ready for the big day!!!!  I can't wait for it to come.  Mommy and Daddy are here, I'm packed and ready to roll, and I have my gown ready for the ball (can you tell I'm watching Cinderella right now with that reference?).  Let's get this party started!!... soon.  Still waiting for my doctor to go on call.  Come on Friday!

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If you want more information about how you too can get one of these awesome gowns, check out their official Birth Day Suit Maternity website, or browse some of the dresses they currently have up on their Birth Day Suit Maternity Etsy Page.  You know you want one!

The OMSI Prenatal Development Display

Last month our whole family spent our spring break vacation in Seattle and Portland.  While in Portland I was able to take the kids to the Oregon Museum of Science and Industry (OMSI).  This place is seriously awesome!  I wish we had a place even remotely this awesome by me.  There are two floors packed with fun and science ranging from life science, to earth science, to energy.  There's even a fun science playground just for little tots like Linc (although the girls had fun in there too).  Last fall I was able to take Lincoln to OMSI and he had a blast, so I was super excited to take the girls.  Riley in particular is very interested in science, so I knew this place would be right up her alley.

We spent all day at OMSI so I got to check out a lot of the museum that I missed at my first visit.  One exhibit that I got to check out that wasn't open last time was the Prenatal Development Display.  Being that I have three kids and am currently in the process of becoming a surrogate, I was super excited to see this display.  I'm constantly amazed at the creation of life.  How can such a tiny mass of cells evolve and change so quickly into such a complex, beautiful, little being?  It amazes me each time I think of what our bodies can do.  I remember always saying, "I wish I had a little camera in my belly so I can see what's going on in there."  It's just one of those miracles that will never cease to amaze me.  The process is just so incredible.

So back to the OMSI Prenatal Development Display.  Had my friend not told me about the display, I might not have ever known exactly what it was.  Yes, there is a disclaimer posted on the wall, but I doubt I would have read it having three kids keeping me busy all the while.  Walking upon the display you will see it is for the most part walled off.  Once inside the round display, you notice all the stages of fetal development along the perimeter of the wall.  It starts at around 6 weeks gestation, all the way up to about 34 weeks gestation (I can't remember exactly where they started and stopped).  At first glance I would have thought these were carved replicas of each stage.  In fact though, if you read the disclosure on the wall (pictured on the right), you will realize that this is not the case.  Each display is a real preserved embryo or fetus showing actual size and detail  These were babies that were miscarried due to natural causes during pregnancy and collected from universities and hospitals.

I found the display fascinating   It was amazing to see just how much detail can be seen from so early on in pregnancy.  Yes, I realize these are babies that women had lost.  Being a woman that has lost a pregnancy at 11 weeks, I know the heartache that they must have went through.  I have not forgotten that pain and I do not ignore it while looking at this display.  That doesn't mean that I wasn't fascinated though.  That doesn't mean that I didn't want to learn what I could from these losses.  I guess the reason I'm bringing this up is because I came back from this trip excited to tell others of this amazing display.  I was not able to take photographs since they are not allowed so I Googled the display hoping to find photographs that others could look at.  While doing that I noticed that so many others were outraged by the display.  They didn't think it was right and in fact it was grotesque.  Now I'm wondering... am I wrong to like this display?  Am I wrong to look at it with a scientific eye?  I feel like I'm in the minority and I was curious what your thoughts are.  Have any of you visited this display or seen one that was similar?  What did you think?  What do you think you would think if you went to visit it?  My girls were equally amazed when they saw the display, but I guess that is probably because I've taught them to be that way.  I will not be hurt if you say that you did or would feel totally different than I did.  I know my sister said that she probably would have cried being in such a room.  It just got me thinking ...      

Surro Files - We're Accepted, We're Matched... Wow, That Was Fast!

Ok, it's been another SUPER busy week around here in the surrogacy world.  I'd have to say this has been the craziest, busiest, most exciting week yet!  When I last left you I had just done my social worker screening call that past Friday and Brian was scheduled to have his call later that Monday afternoon.  If all went well we were going to be accepted with the agency.  Well, you guessed it... Brian's call went great and we were accepted!!!!  I was soooooooo excited!  After a month of filling out applications, getting medical files together, and lots of waiting, we were finally moving on!  Well, that was on Monday.

On Tuesday I received my commitment letter from Circle.  It basically just reminded me what I was committing myself to by becoming a surrogate.  I'm committing my time, my families time, committing to keeping the parents up to date on their child,  committing to travel, committing to the compensation, and many other things.  There's a lot that goes into being a surrogate and they want to make sure I've really thought about this.  I have and we signed and e-mailed our commitment letter back to Circle that day.  In addition to the commitment letter, I also was contacted by their psychologist to schedule a time to take the MMPI (Minnesota Multiphasic Personality Inventory).  It's basically a 338 question true/false test that determines your personality structure and psychopathology.  A lot of government agencies use it in their hiring process.  I scheduled to take the test on Thursday.

On Wednesday morning I received my prospective IP's (Intended Parents) profile.  It was my friend Belle and her husband Adam's profile!  So exciting!!!  Ok, I act like I was so surprised, even though I did request to be matched with Belle and Adam, but hey, you never know what might happen. I was worried that Circle might find some reason we couldn't be matched together, so till we were matched I tried not to get my hopes up.  Although Belle and I have known each other and been in contact on and off for the past two and a half years, it was so fun to read through their profile to get a closer look into their lives, what brought them to the decision of surrogacy, and what they expected out of the journey.  I also got to see a few pictures of them which was fun since I hadn't seen any pictures in awhile.  Of course I let Circle know we were totally interested in proceeding and the next step was to set up a Skype call to talk even more in depth about each other and decide if we wanted to be officially "Matched".

On Thursday I had my MMPI psych evaluation.  Ok, normally I like to pride myself in being prepared and ready to go, but I was anything but prepared when my meeting time came up for the test.  I should have reviewed the instructions ahead of time on how to log in and complete this test.  It's a video conference call completed online.  The psychologist watches you and answers questions via web camera while you answer 338 true or false questions.  Luckily I looked somewhat put together by the time we started, but I did have to run to get my ID and shut down a whole bunch of programs that were making my computer run slow.  Ugh!  Anyways, I was sooooo thankful that she blacked out the webcam so I didn't have to watch her while she watched me take the test.  I was nervous as it was.  The questions were slightly strange.  Anything from "Do you hear voices?", to "Do you want to be a florist."  When I was finally done she said that it looked like everything was ok, but they would contact me if anything looked out of sorts.  Phew!  Glad to have that over.

Thursday part two... Originally I was going to schedule the Skype call to talk with Belle and Adam for Friday morning.  I did not realize how hard it would be to schedule talking time when one of us lives in California and the other lives in England.  There's an 8 hour difference between us two!  We finally settled on calling at 9pm our time and 5am their time.  Not an ideal time, but I think the excitement helped to keep us all awake.  You probably don't know, but I have a terrible fear of Skype.  Ok, not so much a fear, but it's really awkward.  I hate that little picture that shows me talking.  Who wants to look at them self talk?  Maybe if I play around with it I can figure out how to turn that little picture off.  Anyways, Belle knew this and understood (since her husband has a similar dislike of Skype), so when we got our call that night she decided to make it a voice only call.  I'm sure I could have gotten through a regular video call and after a minute would have been fine, but it was definitely a sweet gesture.  Better yet, our call went great!  It didn't feel awkward at all and Belle and Adam were so easy to talk with.  It was like we were old friends getting re-acquainted (I guess we are in a sense).  For those that might not remember from past posts, Belle and I were in the same small chat group while I was trying to conceive Linc (my youngest), so we have already been through so much together.  The call did give us time to talk about a few questions we had regarding family, the surrogacy process, and life in general.  It was really nice.  That is until my little guy decided to wake up in the middle of the call wondering why we weren't in bed too.  Oh, well.  I guess we've got lots of time to talk from here on out so next time I'll just time it better without a cranky little man.  We said our goodbyes and off to bed we went.

Friday morning (for me that's 5am since Linc wakes so early) I sent off my e-mail to Circle stating that our call with Belle and Adam went great and we would love to be officially matched.  Belle and Adam had done the same.  Sooooooo... WE'RE MATCHED!!!  It's so exciting moving forward and knowing that I will get to share this special time with such an awesome couple that I feel I know so much about already is awesome.  Each day from here on out is so exciting knowing that we're getting that much closer to bringing Belle and Adam's little miracle into the world.  Now it's onto contracts.  Bla!  It'll probably take a month to get those.  Till then we'll just sit and wait and talk about the awesome future to come.  Next week I think I'll introduce you to the happy parents to be.  I was going to do it this week, but I've talked too much already.  I just know you're going to love them as much as I do!

*Don't forget to check out my "Surrogacy" tab at the top of this page to catch up on any posts you might have missed*

*Some of the names in this post have been changed to protect the identities of those involved in this journey*

Surro Files - Weaning, Periods, Screening Calls, Oh My!

I skipped writing last week since it was so slow around here on the surrogacy journey.  Just a whole lot of waiting.  Well this last week it's really picked up on so many fronts.  I weaned Linc, started on birth control, got my period, had all my medical records approved, and had my social work screening call.  Phew!  Now that's a lot in a weeks worth of time.

If you caught my post last week (not listed in my surro files) then you already know that I have officially weaned Lincoln.  I'd been talking about doing this since early December, but kept putting it off for one reason or another.  He got sick for a couple weeks this winter and quite frankly, I found that we got a lot more sleep if I just breastfed him.  I was just too tired to tackle the task of weaning.  It was only when we had made the official decision to become a surrogate that I got the push I needed to get serious with weaning.  With each pregnancy I never started my period till I completely weaned and in order to do all my medical testing... and obviously to get pregnant... I needed to have Lincoln completely weaned and my periods back.  It was a long two month process (you can read all about it on my official post about weaning Linc), but we're finally completely on cow milk and Linc doesn't seem to mind a bit.

My second task I accomplished towards surrogacy these past couple of weeks was starting on birth control.  I figure since we don't plan on doing an embryo transfer till as least May, I want to make sure Brian and I are covered so I won't get pregnant.  Ack!  That would not be good.  I also figured the pill would help jump start my cycles again and the IVF clinic would probably put me on the pill to sync my cycles with the egg donor anyways.  With all that said, I probably should have waited to start the pill because ...

My third task I accomplished towards surrogacy started just a bit early.  Yep, I got my period, but not when I should have based on my birth control pills.  I'm guessing another month of the pills will throw everything in line, but I just wish I would have waited till my period started to start the pill.  I had a feeling that my body was already falling back into place right before I weaned Linc off the last feeding, but I was doubting myself so I started the pill anyways.  Oh well.  No worries.  At least I'm a step closer in the process.  I need to have two periods before I can move on to my medical screening.  They'll check all my hormones, uterus, ovaries, and more, so they can make sure everything is in working order.

Fourth up on my list of accomplishments this past week ... my medical records were reviewed by an IVF doctor and approved!  Yay!  It took awhile to get everything from my OB/GYN and delivery hospital, but it all checked out so we're good to go.  Yay!!!!

Last up ... I had my social worker screening call this past Friday.  I was so nervous because I didn't know what to expect but it was really a breeze.  They said it could take anywhere from 2-2.5 hours, but it ended up only taking 1-1/2 hours.  The social worker gave me a breakdown of what to expect from here on out and answered any questions that I had.  We also went over about a million questions regarding my family and I.  We went over everything from the basics such as what I liked to do in my spare time, how close I was with my family, and how my friends would describe me, to what my childhood was like, how I met my husband, and where I saw myself in 5 years.  All of my answers will go in a profile they will make up so they can skillfully match me with a couple that has the same interests and background as I do.  I'll admit that my mind blanked quite a bit, so I'm scared to see what this profile actually looks like, but I've never been one for on the spot answers.

So anyways, that's where we are at the moment.  All that's left is Brian's social worker screening call today and then we'll have an answer as to if we are accepted or not.  I'm on pins and needles!!!  11:30 am can't get here soon enough.  After that it's on to matching.  Still hoping all works out that we'll be matched with my friend that I met while trying to conceive Lincoln.  That would be the most awesome experience ever!  It would just be great to go through this with someone I know and care about already.  Enough talk about that though.  I don't want to jinx myself.  I'll talk more about matching next time...

*Don't forget to check out my "Surrogacy" tab at the top of this page to catch up on any posts you might have missed*         

Surro Files - The Application Process

Well a week has went by and I'm pretty much just twiddling my thumbs right now. Like Linc, crawling is not my style, and I much prefer to run. There's not much I can do though. My application is being reviewed and they're waiting on my medical records from the hospital and my OB, so waiting is all I can do.

Twiddle, Twiddle, Twiddle...

For all of you that might be curious as to what I've done so far on the application process, here it goes:

The first application I filled out was online.  I admit, it was a lot longer than I had expected for a first application, but I managed to get through it.  It went over all the basic minimum requirements to be a surrogate, my expectations for being a surrogate, my health history as well as my whole family's health, my legal history, and my basic all about me information.  Yep, 19 pages and a day later I was finally done with the initial application.  Amazingly enough though, I heard back from Jeni with Circle Surrogacy the very next day.  I just want to take this moment to say I love Jeni!  She's been reviewing my application, answering all my questions (yes, I have a million), and helping me get through this whole application process.  She's one of the main reasons I decided to go with Circle.  She's awesome!  With that said, I passed the first application review!  Phew!  On to the next phase of the application process... the second application.

Yep, application #2.  This application wasn't quite as long as the first, but it took a little longer to gather all the information needed.  It took me a week to be exact.  I'm sure if I didn't have a one year old hanging on my leg every waking moment of the day I could have done it wayyyy faster, but I'm not in a big rush so no worries.  The main portion included more questions about my surrogacy expectations, my criminal/financial history, medical history information regarding my past pregnancies, release forms to get my medical records, background check release forms for all adults living in my house (good thing we're a pretty down to earth boring household), personal references, and health insurance information.  In addition I also had to provide pictures of my family and I, fill out another backup health insurance application, and a HIPPA release form.  I turned that all in last Monday, February 4th, and here I wait.  Now I'm just waiting for Circle to review everything and obtain all the information they need to make a decision on whether or not we move onto the next step.  It looks like my medical records are going to take a week to obtain so we have at least a week of thumb twiddling.  They also have to do our background checks, read over my health insurance to see if surrogacy is included, and call my references.  I know it's only going to be a week or two, but it's going to feel like FOREVER!  I keep telling myself we have plenty of time since I can't get pregnant before May anyways, but it's still hard to be at a stand still.

Twiddle, Twiddle, Twiddle...

*Don't forget to check out my "Surrogacy" tab at the top of this page to catch up on any posts you might have missed*

The Surro Files - Picking an Agency

Well, it’s been a week since we made our official decision to become a surrogate.  Since then I’ve been researching agencies like crazy to see which one feels like the best fit for us.  Actually I started researching agencies about a month before we made our decision, but just this past week I dove head first in and really took a close look at each one.

So what is an agency you ask?  An agency is who you can rely on to coordinate all the different steps that go into surrogacy.  They screen all parties to make sure everyone is physically and mentally ready to make this journey.  They pair up surrogates with intended parents based on legal factors, personality factors, and what each party wants to get out of the relationship.  They coordinate all the legal work (oh the contracts that go into surrogacy).  They coordinate the surrogate, parent(s), fertility clinic, egg donor, lawyers, and all other parties involved.  Sometimes you just don’t realize how much goes into creating this little miracle, and I personally just felt more comfortable leaving all this planning in the hands of an agency that can make the whole process run smoothly.

So where did I start?  I started with my good old friend Google of course!  Where else would I start?  Haha!  It was at that point that I realized this was going to take a lot more research than I had planned.  There are tons of agencies all over the US, and because California is such a surrogate friendly state, there were enough agencies in California to make my head spin.  Who should I go with?  Which one is the best?  I needed some help.  My next step was to search for online communities for surrogates.  I needed advice from those who had already, or are currently going through an agency.  I wanted to hear the good, the bad, and the ugly.  Let me tell you, that’s exactly what I got.  I found three different chat forums that really helped me out.  Surrogate Mothers Online and All About Surrogacy are both online communities for surrogates and those looking for surrogates.  I also found a group on Facebook called Surrogate Mothers.  I find it convenient since I'm a Facebook freak.  Yes, I can admit it.  They've all been great resources for me to ask all the questions I have about surrogacy and to search out feedback on different agencies.

Once I got a good feel for what was out there, Brian and I talked about what we wanted in an agency. We decided that we wanted an agency that was well established, personable, and gave us an overall good feel.  With that in mind, these are the agencies that I ended up contacting:

Growing Generations - I was interested in Growing Generations because it's one of the biggest agencies in the US and located in Beverly Hills California, so I wouldn't have to travel far for the initial meetings and embryo transfer.  The downside was that I kept hearing bad feedback from other surrogates about this agency.  Surely there had to be a reason the company was one of the biggest though.  They can't be that bad.  That being said, I found them quite nice when I contacted them.  They even answered my questions about the bad feedback which I thought was awesome of them to address.    

Surrogate Alternatives Inc. - What drew me to Surrogate Alternatives was the personable factor.  It just seemed like out of all the agencies, they really put a lot of effort into getting to know their surrogates and keeping the communication open between them.  They hold monthly meetings and yearly family vacations.  They are also located in San Diego California, not too far away, and who wouldn't want to visit San Diego?  That being said, San Diego is still about 8 hours away so monthly meetings isn't quite a realistic vision for me.  

Expect Miracles - I went against the grain on this one.  Expect Miracles isn't as established as the other agencies I was looking into and they're not as big either.  What made this agency stand out was just how highly recommended they were.  Everyone on the chat forums was talking about them.  I also liked that they are based in San Diego, but low and behold they have monthly meeting in of all places... Fresno!  Yep!  Right in my home town.  Brian and I actually went to one of the meetings and got to meet with one of their coordinators.  I loved how honest and sweet she was.  Unfortunately we had some misunderstandings that we couldn't get past in the end.  

Circle Surrogacy - I also went against the grain on this one.  I was going to stick with California agencies, but Circle is actually located clear across the US, in Boston, MA.  Two of my friends are with Circle (one a surrogate, and one an intended parent).  They both raved about how great Circle is and after I contacted Circle myself, I had to agree.  They are also a very large, well established agency, which is what Brian was looking for.  Although they're clear across the US, they do all their screening via Skype, phone, and e-mail and medical screening is done at the fertility clinic of the parents choice, so the fact that they're so far really doesn't matter.

So who did I decide to go with???  I decided on Circle.  I love how quick they are to respond and how super nice they are.  I also like that they are a well established agency that's been around for awhile.  I know they're not in California like I had planned, but I really don't ever have to go to their office so it really doesn't matter where my agency is.  I've already passed their initial application and now they are evaluating all my medical records, health insurance, and background   It's a whole lot of paperwork, but I know it's totally worth it and I'm excited to keep moving forward.

*Don't forget to check out my "Surrogacy" tab at the top of this page to catch up on any posts you might have missed*

A New Adventure Begins - The Gift of Surrogacy

I'm excited to say that my family and I will be embarking on an exciting new adventure very soon. After years of toying with the idea, I've finally decided to give one of the greatest gifts I can give. I've decided to become a surrogate mother for those that do not have the option to birth a child on their own. I've been wanting to do this for awhile now, but only recently has it become an option and agreed upon by my my husband, kids, and I. It will be a group effort so we don't take this decision lightly, but now that we've decided, I know it will be an amazing journey and a life learning experience.

Gestational Surrogate:   A gestational surrogate is a woman who is implanted with an embryo(s) that contains the egg and sperm of the intended parents. In cases where the intended mother is unable to produce healthy eggs and/or the father is unable to produce healthy sperm, the gestational surrogate will be implanted with an embryo(s) that contains donor eggs and/or sperm. Once pregnancy is achieved, the surrogate mother will carry the baby to term on behalf of the intended parents.

I first thought seriously about becoming a surrogate in 2009 when one of my best friends found out that she had went through menopause extremely early in life and could no longer have children on her own. Had she have decided to, I would have gladly carried a child for her or given her my eggs. Since then the idea has remained in the back of my mind. It wasn't till recently that the idea came back to the front of my mind again. Over the years I've met hundreds if not thousands of women trying to conceive children of their own. Some got pregnant quickly in their journey. Others were blessed after years of trying. Then there are others that are still trying after many years of repeated attempts. That's when my friend Belle contacted me. I met her on Fertility Friend (a trying to conceive website) while I was trying to conceive Lincoln. I left the site after Lincoln was born but Belle had kept up with me through my blog. She e-mailed me to let me know that she was now on her fifth and last IVF attempt. Hopeful, but wanting to be prepared, Belle was already planning the next step. They had decided if this attempt didn't work they would use donor eggs, donor sperm, and a surrogate. With this plan in place she was excited and hopeful that they would soon have the baby they so much desired. IVF attempt #5 did fail and she's already begun the process to search out those that will make this dream come true. I would love to help her out, and maybe if the timing is right our paths will cross, but even if they don't I wish them all the best and can't wait to help create a miracle for a deserving couple looking to add a baby to their family.

And so our journey begins. Through my blog I will keep you all updated on the process and how things are going. It might be a long road but we're very excited to walk down this new path in life and hopefully bring life, love, and happiness to another couple.

I'm going to try and keep this journey organized through the tab at the top of this page titled, "Surrogacy".  Feel free to follow me as I continue on this new road in life.

*Some of the names in this post have been changed to protect the identities of those involved in this journey*

A Baby Lost Is Never Forgotten

Yesterday was Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. For anyone that has experienced a loss though, I'm sure you know that we don't need a special day to remember the little ones that were taken from us far too early. I know I think of my little one all the time. I remember the excitement. I remember the happiness. I remember the fear. I remember the denial.  I remember the pain.  They will stick with me forever and never be forgotten.

I remember the day I found out we were pregnant. I had just gotten back from a trip to Illinois to see my family. I had a feeling we were pregnant but I didn't want to test because Brian wasn't with me so I waited till I got home. The next day I tested in secrecy right before Brian and I headed out for lunch. After almost a year of disappointment seeing negative test after negative test I just preferred not to share my disappointment with Brian anymore. We'd both agreed that this was the last month we were going to try. We already had two beautiful girls and the stress of trying to conceive was getting to us. Although sad, I was at peace with our decision. That said, I took my test and could see that wonderful plus sign appear immediately. I jumped for joy and walked out to see Brian while hiding my test behind my back. I stated that we should go out somewhere fancy tonight to celebrate. Maybe Flemmings or Ruth's Chris. Confused he asked why, and I said with excitement waving my test in the air that we were finally pregnant! You should have seen the look on his face. His jaw dropped to the floor and a big smile came across his face and he gave me the biggest hug ever. We were finally pregnant!!! Even better, my sister had just found out she was pregnant the month before so we were only a month apart. Yay!!!

I immediately made my doctor's appointment to confirm the pregnancy on November 8th 2010. My sister had her next ultrasound appointment scheduled for the same day. It was that day that my sheltered happy perspective of pregnancy was forever altered. My sister called me after her appointment crying and said that she was losing the baby. She was going in for a D&C right now. I was confused, sad, and ... well confused. How could this happen? I just wished I was there for my sister. I wished I could take her pain away. Deep down I wished it was me and not her that was going through this. After all, this would be my third child and her first. How could this be fair? I still went to my first appointment later that day but it wasn't the same. The joy was gone and I had a hard time getting it back. Being pregnant without my sister didn't seem right. I drove out to help her with her recovery and tried not to discuss my pregnancy. Inside I was happy for my baby, but it just didn't seem right.

Weeks went by before my first real doctor appointment. I wrote in my pregnancy journal and took pictures each week. Our doctor was on vacation so I couldn't get in to see the doctor till I was 11 weeks pregnant. It seemed like an eternity. We were so excited to finally see our baby!!! On December 13th 2010, Brian was armed with his video camera and I was armed with my camera and cell phone camera. We're crazy nuts when it comes to documenting this stuff.  We even brought our oldest daughter so she could get a sneak peak at her new sibling.  When the ultrasound tech came in we were ready to go. You could feel the excitement in the air. On the screen she measured one ovary and then the other. She measured the sack and then the baby. Oh I could see my little baby!!! He was mostly a blob but with little arms and leg buds like a gummy bear. The machine wasn't great, but I could see that it was my baby. The tech continued on with her measurements while I flashed some pictures and Brian videotaped. And then it was done. The tech flicked off the screen and said I could get dressed. At that point I had a feeling something was wrong. Why didn't she show us the heartbeat. Isn't that standard??? Brian had no clue. He was still excited as we waited to meet with the doctor.  I didn't want to alarm him, but inside I wanted to barf.  Finally we were moved to the exam room to meet with our doctor.  She sat down and looked straight at me.  "Did the ultrasound tech explain the ultrasound to you?", she asked. "No", I said. It was at that point that my world crashed down.  As she proceeded to tell me that our baby's heart had stopped beating tears flooded my eyes and I started to sob.  I couldn't understand how this could happen. Even though this had just happened to my sister a little over a month before I just couldn't comprehend what was happening. I have two beautiful girls and the pregnancies were perfect. This just doesn't happen. My daughter just played in the exam room. She didn't understand what was wrong. Brian was in shock and tried to console me. In denial I told myself they were wrong. It was a mistake. Although I agreed to the D&C I told them I wanted another ultrasound before to make sure.  They just had to be wrong!!!  The worst part was that they said if I had gone in a week or even a few days earlier, then my baby probably would have been fine.  After I could muster up the strength to stop sobbing we left the building.  The hardest part was when Riley asked me when she'd get to see her baby brother or sister again.  She just didn't understand.  I started sobbing again.

Two days later we went in for our 2nd ultrasound.  It confirmed what we already knew but the doctor was nice enough to hold the wand over our baby for quite awhile just to make sure.  I cried again as we talked about how the D&C would work.  I'm not sure I really heard anything she was saying though.  It was all a blur from this point on.  That night I slept holding my belly, cradeling the little baby that they were going to take away from me in the morning.  All the while I wondered what I had done wrong to cause my poor baby to die.  Why did this happen to me?  Why to my baby?  I cried.

The next morning on December 16th 2010, was my D&C.  It's an outpatient procedure.  Sounds so impersonal when you say it that way.  Like I'm getting a mole cut off or something.  They weighed me, took my temperature, did blood tests, asked me a million questions, and had me get into a gown.  The doctor talked with me and so did the anesthesiologist   He asked me if I wanted some happy juice to take off the edge, but I was far from happy.  No happy juice for me please.  They couldn't get my vein with the first poke in my arm so they went with the back of the hand.  Oh how I hate needles.  After that they rolled me into the surgery room.  Brian couldn't come with me so I went alone.  It's only a 15 minute procedure, but it feels like 5 minutes since they put me out.  Counting backwards I thought I'd never go to sleep.  My arm was killing me from the meds going through the 1st poke in my arm that they messed up.  That's all I remember and then I was out.  I woke up in the recovery room with a nurse reading next to me.  It was over and my baby was gone.  Recovery was kind of like having a baby.  Blood and learning to walk again.  It's so much worse when you don't have the baby to go along with it.

After that I just carried on with what we had planned.  I had to.  My daughter's big birthday party was 2 days after my surgery.  Our Christmas party with all our friends was the next day.  Two days after that was my daughter's Christmas recital, then her gingerbread house making party, then our Christmas block party, then our traditional Christmas Eve snow day, then Christmas.  No, there was no time for dwelling on our loss.  I tried to just push it away and forget.  Somehow it made the pain better.  Of course anytime someone brought my loss up I broke down once again.  Anytime someone mentioned they were pregnant (yes there were 3 announcements that month), I broke down again.  You just can't hide from the pain of a loss.

Time went on and I started feeling better.  Brian and I went on our 10 year anniversary trip we had planned 6 months in advance.  It was two months later when we finally were feeling a little better that we decided we would give it one more try.  Another loss would kill us, but we had to try one more time.  It was then that we got pregnant with Lincoln.  It was a bittersweet moment.  Our naive ideas of a perfect pregnancy were gone.  We lived in fear that a loss was just around the corner.  It didn't help that we had complications that increased our fear even more.  All that said though... Lincoln was born on October 30th 2011, happy and healthy.

I love my three children, Riley, Reagan, and Lincoln, but I will never forget my angel baby.  I never found out if they were a boy or a girl so they do not have a name, but they will always hold a place in my heart that will never be replaced.  I love you baby angel and miss you lots.  

Love and Kisses, 

Mommy

Fun w/ Mommy Parties - My Pregnancy 2.0 Party

This past Saturday I was honored to to host a MommyParties - Pregnancy 2.0 party.  I was so excited!  I love throwing parties and it was perfect timing for me being that I just had Lincoln and I have so many friends that also are expecting or have just had babies as well.  What better way to get us all together than to throw a mommy party.  So what are MommyParties you ask?  They are parties where real mom's like myself get to throw a party for 10 of our closest friends to test out products that we might like to use in our everyday mommy lives.

My Mommy Party was sponsored by Pregnancy 2.0, a website that helps new moms and mom's-to-be by providing product information and reviews on various baby and mothering products.  This time we were the testers and reviewers.  We got a first hand look at the various products and I can't wait to share with you all what we found.  MommyParties and Pregnancy 2.0 provided us with various products from Britax, Baby Plus, Snuggle Buddies, & Xlear/Spry.  In addition to testing products MommyParties supplied me with some great recipes to try out and serve to all my guests.  I made almost all of them which included sandwhiches with hummus and cucumber, cheese tortellini with pesto dipping sauce, peach tea, and lemon mousse.  There was also a fruit salad, but being I have a newborn, that was just too much work for me.  Instead I bought a yummy broccoli salad.  They also supplied me with some games to play.  I selected the baby items memory game.  The top winners got prizes which included a re-usable grocery bag, a diaper bag, two Snuggle Buddies, and the Britax Baby Carrier.  I love seeing my party people go home with fun prizes.

Listed below are the items we tested and what we thought of them.

Britax Baby Carrier & Baby Carrier Seat Extender Insert
Before the party I tested out the Britax Baby Carrier.  I wanted to make sure I knew how to use it before everyone got there and be able to demonstrate it's features at the party.  This was the first item we broke out at the party.  The first thing that we all noticed is that it seems like a hybrid of the Baby Bjorn and the Ergo Baby.  It was definitely intriguing.  Several of us had each of those brands and it was interesting to see how this carrier measured up to those.  There were a few features we liked, a few features we didn't, and a few features we couldn't test out with our itti bitti babies.  We loved the newborn insert for the carrier.  It really made the carrier versatile so that both a newborn and an older child could be comfortable and well supported in the carrier.  It was very easy to install and take out the newborn insert as well.  We also loved the extra back support provided by the waist band, as well as the attached burp cloth.  The main feature that we did not like about the carrier was that you had to pull it over your head.  This made it impossible to take the carrier off without putting your child down.  It also might mess up your hair if you had it done nicely.  Unfortunately we didn't get to test out the seat extender since all of our babies were too small to use it, but the idea definitely intrigued us.  Overall we were so-so on this carrier.  It was a nice carrier, but wasn't our favorite.  I would still recommend it and my sister who won the carrier at the party is ecstatic to use it with her son.

Britax B-SAFE Infant Car Seat

The next item that we tested out was the Britax B-SAFE Infant Car Seat.  I love taking car seats out of boxes because they're ready to go with no assembly required.  The look of this car seat is very clean looking.  I love how the black, red, and silver look together.  It's a very modern look.  As for the function of the car seat, I feel it's very similar to the Graco Snugride that I already have.  Both weigh about the same and function very similar to each other as far as the seat belt and how they secure into the car.  A few moms had the Baby Trend car seat and some moms preferred the straight handle of the Britax, while others preferred the triangle of the Baby Trend.  I would say it was about 50/50.  Overall we felt it was comfortable and easy to use though.  The main feature that we loved was how easy it was to click into the Britax stroller.  We also loved how many levels of adjustment there were for the shoulder straps.  This car seat would fit a VERY small baby as well as a large baby.  The features we didn't like were that the sun shade is semi-attached at the back so it's hard to rotate the shade to the front.  We also didn't like that the seat belt guides are hidden under the seat padding.  Occationally I like to use my car seat in a car that does not have the base installed and I can't imagine having to lift up the padding each time to install it.  Overall we were so so on the car seat as well.  I would like to add though that after examining the car seat even more after the party, I've grown to love it and have decided to switch out my Graco Snugride for the Britax.

Britax B-Agile Stroller
The next item we brought out was the Britax B-Agile Stroller.  Britax asked us to assemble the stroller at the party, so that's just what we did.  For some reason I could not find the instruction book when we took it out of the box, but it was so easy to assemble that we didn't even need it.  Of course we found the instruction book right as we finished putting the stroller together.  This item was the hit of our party.  We loved the size of the stroller.  It definitely could fit a larger child as well as a small baby.  We also loved the large sun shade.  Most stroller shades are so small and useless, but this one will definitely block the sun.  Another great feature was the wheel lock.  It was so easy to use and you only needed to lock in one place instead of several wheels.  The biggest feature that we loved was how easy it is to fold up and how compact it folded up.  It was AMAZING!!!!  The stroller is slightly heavy, but not so heavy that we would have trouble putting it into our cars.  Overall we loved this product and I can't wait to use it with Lincoln!  I have to admit that after reviewing this product I did go on the Britax website to check out their other strollers and I secretly (or maybe not so secretly) long for a Britax B-Scene.

Baby Plus PreNatal Educational System

I received the Baby Plus system a few days before I had Lincoln and I wish I had it for my entire pregnancy.  The idea of it is so amazing and I really wish I had a chance to test it out longer.  The main function of the unit is to encourage your baby's congnitive development while still in the womb.  The way it does this is through a 16 lesson program where you play a sequence of heartbeats for two hours each day from about the 18th week on.  Babies that use the system are noted to more redily nurse at birth, display an increased ability to self-soothe, are more interactive and responsive, and much more.  As for the time I did test it out I didn't notice any changes in Lincoln's behavior, but one of the pregnant mommies at our party tried it out and her baby was drawn to the sound.  He would move to the side of the belly that the unit was placed on each time we moved it.  It was quite amazing.  There were two downsides to the unit though.  The first was that the heartbeat is quite loud and it bothered my husband.  I didn't mind though.  The other downside that did bother me as well as the other mommy were the clips on the back of the unit.  They seemed to dig into my belly.  I would reccomend to Baby Plus that they not put these clips on the unit.  Otherwise I thought the idea was very cool and I would totally buy this product.

Rashti & Rashti Snuggle Buddies
These little baby toys were so cute!  Snuggle Buddies are basically a toy and a blanket all in one.  We received the monkey and the owl, and everyone thought they were so cute!  We loved how silky they were on the inside and how incredibly soft the fabrics were on the outside.  Not to mention the whole collection is irresistibly cute.

We also received some nice product gift bags for each of my mommy testers at the party.  They included a package of Spry Gum, KID'S Xclear Saline Nasal Spray with Xylitol, and KID'S Spry Tooth Gel.  I've yet to try the products yet, but can't wait to test them out in the future.  What great party gifts to receive.  I also added a personal gift from myself for each guest by making them a burp cloth and two washcloths each.  In addition each guest was asked to send me a quick, easy, healthy, and yummy recipe before the party.  I compiled each of these recipes and added them to each of the gift bags as well.  Here are links to the recipes.  Page 1 & Page 2.

Overall we all had a great time at the party.  It was fun testing the products and it was even more fun getting us all together.  We had 7 babies at the party and two pregnant moms.  It was definitely the cutest bunch of party guests you could have.  I hope we can have an opportunity to host another event for MommyParties in the near future so we can all get together again.  Till then keep checking in for more great information, reviews, DIY projects, and giveaways, as I keep on with my Adventures In Fluff.

Bags Are Packed and I'm Ready To Go! - What to pack for the hospital

I'm usually pretty good at having things prepared and ready to go.  I LOVE writing lists and checking them twice... LOL!  I should have been Santa Clause.  Anyways, for some reason I've been slacking on the hospital bags this go around.  I'm not sure if it's because I have so many other things that I'm working on, or if it's third baby syndrome, but I keep putting it off.  Well last weekend I finally set my priorities straight and packed my bags ... well for the most part.

This is my third time around at this so I already have a system for what I like to bring and how I like to pack it.  I always pack three bags.  This is because I'll need certain things at different times and might not need other things at all depending on the circumstances.  The first bag I pack is for the Labor and Delivery Room.  This bag holds everything I'll need while at the hospital in the labor and delivery room.  I try and keep this bag small and usually bring it with me to the recovery room as well.  The second bag I pack is for the Recovery Room.  This bag holds everything I will only need in the recovery room.  I usually leave it in the car till after delivery so that I don't have a whole bunch of stuff in the L&D Room.  The third bag I pack is for Brian.  I pack his stuff separately because we'll only need it if we get a private room (we've yet to ever get a private room).  This time around I won't be packing a third bag for Brian.  We've decided that he will sleep at home with the girls.  I still included the list on here though so you would know what I would have packed.  Lastly, I have a few things in the car.  Not a bag, but still very important.

Here is a list of the three bags I'll be taking to the hospital and what I have packed in them as well as what I have in my car.  The items that I couldn't put in my bag right away because I use them on a daily basis, I just put on a list right on top of my bag and will make sure to add them to my back before I head out the door.

Labor and Delivery Room Bag

- Chapstick (With all that breathing your lips will get dry)
- Brush (Laying in that bed for awhile really does a number on your hair.  I also like to fix it after delivery)
- Headband / Ponytail Holder / Hair Clips (With long hair like mine you really need to pull your hair back)
- Money for Vending Machines ($1 & Quarters)
- Tennis Ball, Softball, or Massager (Great for your partner to massage your lower back during contractions)
- Baby Book (So nurse can put footprints in it.  You can also just bring a blank piece of paper or the footprints page only.)
- Pad Of Paper & Pen (Great for taking notes for your memory book or questions you want to remember to ask your doctor or pediatrician).
- Camera & Charger
- Video Camera & Charger
- Cell Phone & Charger
- Driver's License
- Health Insurance Card
- Pre-Registration Forms
- Birth Plan
- Snacks and Drinks (So your partner doesn't have to leave the room as often)
- Mints (For your partner in case they have bad breadth or myself in case I barf)

Recovery Room Bag

- Lanolin (For those tender first days breast feeding)
- Breast Pads (Even if you're not going to breast feed because you may still leak)
- Nursing Bra (I like to bring a super comfy crossover sleeping bra.  Comfort is so important)
- My Going Home Outfit (Pregnancy Pants & Shirt.  You'll still look about 5-6 months preggo)
- Going Home Shoes (I like sandals or flats that I can just slip on)
- Baby's Going Home Outfit (Think about the weather.  I'll have a onesie, pants, sweater w/ hood, baby hat socks, and shoes)
- Mittens (So baby doesn't scratch their face)
- Baby Going Home Blanket
- Makeup Bag (I like to look nice for those first pictures with baby)
- Toiletries Bag (Travel Size: Toothbrush, toothpaste, deodorant, shampoo, conditioner, soap, lotion, face wash, nail clippers, nail file)
- Snacks (After all that work pushing the baby out you WILL be hungry!)

Partner's Recovery Room Bag
- Change Of Clothes
- Pajamas
- Toiletries Bag


In The Car
- Infant Car Seat Installed (VERY IMPORTANT ! ! !)
- Towel & Large Trash Bag (In case your water breaks before you head to the hospital you'll want to place the trash bag on your seat with a towel on top so that you don't get your seat all wet)

I remember with Riley (my oldest), I packed everything!!!  I had a regular size suitcase plus my labor and deliver bag.  I ended up using hardly anything in it.  I also didn't realize just how small the recovery rooms would be.  I had no room for a big suitcase full of things... that I didn't even need.  Here is a list of things that I brought with me the first time and never ended up using.  Try and pack light.  Hopefully you won't be there long.  If you're like me then you're there 24 hours max.

**THINGS YOU WON'T NEED**
- Underwear (You'll get some lovely nylon cutoff briefs to wear.  So sexy!)
- Sanitary Pads (You'll get a ton of them at the hospital ... including super huge diaper looking ones)
- Pajamas (Why get your own pajamas all bloody?  If you don't care then at least get a gown you can breastfeed in)
- Robe (You can just use another hospital gown turned backwards)
- Slippers (The hospital will give you some non-skid socks to wear)
- Diapers & Wipes (The hospital will most likely supply you with diapers and wipes)
- Nursing Pillow (I didn't wait to get my nice pillow all dirty.  I just use hospital pillows)
- Your Own Pillow (I know this is debatable.  I don't want to mess up my own pillow and I'm just not that picky)

So there's my take on packing for the hospital.  One thing you should do before creating your own list is to contact your hospital and find out what they will already have in your room.  Some hospitals will give you most of the toiletries as well as lanolin so you might be able to cross those off your list as well.  The less you need to bring the better.  I know everyone's necessities are different so I'm sure your own list was / or will be different from mine, but hopefully this list gave you some things to think about.  I know I myself looked at many lists before creating mine the first time and I have refined it more each time.  Let's see if I hit it right on the button this time around.  I'm sure we'll find out REALLY soon when Lincoln comes and I'll let you all know how it went with a rundown of my labor, delivery, and the stay in the hospital.  Till then (and I hope it's soon) keep checking back for more tips, tutorials, reviews, and giveaways as I continue on with my Adventures In Fluff ... and other mommy stuff.