Wednesday, August 21, 2013

Surro Files - Seeing the Negative & the Positive of Surrogacy

Image by: Teerapun on
I'm so sorry I left you all hanging!  I promised I would update you as soon as I heard the results from our beta test that was on Monday, but that just didn't happen.  It took a day to get the results and they were just as I thought they would be... negative.  Bla!  I was so surprised at how badly I took the news.  It's one thing to know that the transfer didn't work, but it's a whole different story to REALLY know that the transfer didn't work.  Like Belle said in her blog post, I almost just wish they would have sent it in an e-mail.  It might have hurt a little less.  To top off the not so great phone call, the nurse informed me that the embryo lab would be closed for the next 3 weeks so I would have to be put on birth control instead of heading right on into another cycle.  Boo!

Enough of the negative though!  On to the positive!!!  By the end of the day I was feeling better.  I repeated to myself Belle's wise words that even with IVF your chance of success is only 35%, but your odds are very good (I think she said 95%) that you will be successful within 3 transfer attempts.  Let's just hope that all we need is 2!!!!

This morning I was presented with a great surprise.  My period had started!!!!  LOL!  I'm sure that you are wondering why that's great news.  Well, it means a fresh start and brand new hope for this next cycle.  I will help to create a baby for Belle and Adam very soon!  I called the clinic with great excitement to tell them that Day 1 was here!  The nurse informed me that she and the doctor would review my file and get back to me with a new transfer date by the end of the day.

Tick Tock, Tick Tock, Tick Tock...  It was an hour before the clinic closed so I sent an e-mail just to check in.  Any word yet???  Then 15 minutes before they closed I got an e-mail!!!!  WE HAVE A DATE!!!!!  It looks like our new transfer date will be September 26th.  Just a little over a month away.  I also found out that we will not be doing a natural cycle this time around.  Back to the medications for me.  Still not sure what all I will be taking, but as of now I know that I will be on birth control for two weeks.  Then I will start on my cycle medications which will include the estradiol (estrogen) pill that I took during the first cycle, and a new progesterone suppository.  No mention of the Lupron shots which would be awesome, but they really weren't that bad, so I could go either way.  Just so happy to have a plan in the works!  It still needs some fine tuning, but we are on our way.

UPDATE:  For the comment below I have added this cute cartoon that sums up my thoughts on the matter.  A surro friend of mine had just posted it on her blog "A Baby To Share".

Don't forget to check out my "Surrogacy" tab at the top of this page to catch up on any posts you might have missed

*Some of the names in this post have been changed to protect the identities of those involved in this journey*


  1. Sorry to hear that Chana, but sending you lots of positive vibes for the next cycle!!

  2. I just did my first vaginal rocket myself. For me, the only odd part about it was how not odd it really was. You'll do fiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiine.

    And, if this helps, my nurse told me success rates for surrogates look like this:
    1st try- 63-65%
    2nd try- 93%
    3rd try 96%

  3. I was waiting for Mandy to chime in with her statistics :)

    Cheers to a fresh start! IT WILL WORK, IT WILL WORK, IT WILL WORK!

  4. Goodluck on transfer number 2. BTW number 2 is my favorite number :)I'll be thinking about you.

  5. Since you've put this information out in the open, I don't feel too badly about pointing out that I don't think surrogacy and everything else involved is a beautiful or even good process. Did you know that children born to surrogate mothers are more likely to be depressed? So often we think about the needs of a couple to experience parenthood and even that wonderful people will make wonderful parents, and so we should be happy for any child who is theirs. However, what we don't consider is that even though the desire to parent is natural and powerful, it is not natural to use surrogates and egg donations in combination. I think that there is a grey area where a surrogate uses her own eggs or where a mother carries her own pregnancy that is conceived through sperm donation - these are situations in which a child could naturally be conceived even if in today's world there would be no sex involved. When you plan before a child is even born to take an egg from the biological mother, mix it with a sperm (be it the biological/adoptive or strictly biological father), implant it into a third party (neither biological nor adoptive parent), and then grow that child until it is ripe for harvesting by the adoptive parents, those children are going to have significant emotional issues. Think about it, there aren't many children who have been conceived this way, and many of them are too young for us to know enough about in terms of their emotional health. We think so much about the parents that we fail to realize we are tinkering with another human being's notion of who they are and mother nature herself. Children rightfully understand that mothers=true love. This feeling doesn't go away no matter how much we want to rationalize as adults that mothers often do give children true love, but not always, and that a person need not be a biological mother to have such love. It's difficult enough for adopted children to manage their emotional experience of being given away, but in this case, you are CREATING an adoption...I mean, literally creating a foster child. Isn't this exactly the opposite of good? I'm sorry for all of the people in the world who have struggled to conceive and who would make amazing parents - there are likely all sorts of reasons why this happens...but if those same people understand love, they would not be the cause that a child is created by two biological parents who do not love the child enough to have come together of their own accord and managed its upbringing so that it needs to be adopted by "loving" parents. No loving parent would do that. There are definitely some shady areas like if your sister and brother-in-law combine their own sperm and eggs and you carry the pregnancy, you can easily see how a child would understand because he/she is with her biological parents and was carried by a close relative that there's peace there. But anytime you are willfully seeking to permanently misplace a child from his or her biological parent, the child will suffer emotionally. Is that fair just so you can give the "gift" of parenthood that these people could experience in a multitude of other ways?

    1. I'm not sure where you are getting your statistics from, but in my opinion I think the outcome is quite the opposite. Children created out of surrogacy are not adoptions or foster kids in the making. This is not my child to give away. This is the parent's child that I am helping to grow. So much love and trust goes into this process that I can't see how a child wouldn't know that they are the most loved child in this world. This child will have the love of their parents who have been thinking of them and loving them years before they were ever even conceived. They will have the love of the egg donor and sperm donor who trusted this couple with this most precious of gifts. I definitely know they will have the love from their surrogate who carried them for 9 months and spent many months before that preparing her body through trial and error to create a space that was just right. Not to mention all the friends and family that surround this group, plus all the doctors, nurses, coordinators, and more. Yes, so much love and trust will go into this child that will last a lifetime and beyond.

      In my opinion it's comments like yours that are creating any depression in these children. Telling them that they are different from others or not meant to be. It is not the parents, the donors, the surrogate, the healthcare professionals, or the process itself that creates any bad. All we're doing is coming together to create a family out of love and trust. Families come in all sizes, shapes, and forms, just like many other things do. I'm honored to be a part of this process and glad my family and friends will also grow from our experience. Together we will change the world's perception of love and family, and hopefully wiping out any ill feelings towards those that were conceived and gestated differently.

      Oh, and I added a picture to the above post that I thought was very fitting to the surrogacy baby love topic. :)

  6. Chana- well said....

    "Anonymous"... I could write forever arguing against every point you just made...

    The BIGGEST concern Intended Parents face in choosing to move onto Surrogacy is "how will this effect my child?" It is never a concern of, "how will this affect me?" But rather a :
    "How will this impact our child growing up?
    Will my child understand?
    Will they know how much they are loved?
    Will others help to support them?
    What will the impacts be on them, as they grow up?
    What can I do differently, so they feel "normal"?
    What Country will I have to move to, so the child is supported as an equal to their peers?
    What society will we live in, so the child feels safe?
    How do we tell the child?

    The list goes on... But these are some of many daily thoughts which run through an Intended Parents mind. Intended Parents think about and plan MORE for their children than a a "normal" child would have come to them, because they have too...

    I would just love to know... Where do you get the information: "that children born to surrogate mothers are more likely to be depressed" Unless you are entitled to a load of research, which some of us fail to see before us which is 100% conclusive... then....?

    And finally, where do I find this: "gift" of parenthood that these people could experience in a multitude of other ways?" I would love to know....?

  7. Anonymous - It's not alright to use an egg donor, but a woman using donated sperm is acceptable? All your comments seem to be contradicting & unfounded. Did you really think that throwing out "statistics", especially ones you can't prove, was going to make surrogates repent and ask for forgiveness? First off, you say children born to surrogates are found to be more depressed, then you go on to say that these children are too young to test or get information from. Which is it? Many surrogate children don't know they are born via surrogate, but many do. I guess the ones that don't know are automatically depressed because the biological mom didn't carry him/her? The children that do know aren't unhappy. They know they have two loving parents and a huge group of people that loved them enough to take years to help make them. You talk about how the kids will be sad when they find out their biological mom didn't want them. Did you go to school? Obviously you are missing what biological means. The world would be better off without uninformed, uneducated, ignorant, closed minded people like you. Shame on you for throwing out ridiculous crap in hopes of shaming surrogates. I could go on for hours, but you are just one person with a little mind and no true facts to stand behind you. I have better things to do with my day, like being there for chana and helping create families. Oh, just because something is on the internet doesn't mean you have to comment. If you don't like it, move on and find something that does. Dwelling on the things that you don't agree with or outages you will only cause you to be disgruntled, if not already. Do everyone a favor and go read, being educated in all areas is priceless and is the best gift you can give anyone, especially yourself.


Thanks so much for taking the time to show your support with a comment! I LOVE reading all of them and will try and answer any questions that you might have. :)